Writing A New Chapter

I’m ready to turn the page. I’m ready to start a new chapter.

I had been reluctant to write the new chapter of my life. Mostly because I had my life plan sorted and set in stone. I knew what I wanted in life and what I aspired to be… but as I have unwillingly discovered, life does not always go according to plan.

I’ve had a tough year. I’m reflecting back on it now at a time when I feel like I have a little more clarity. Today is an OK day. I say ‘OK’ relative to the days in June when I was literally banging my head against my bedroom walls, knife in hand, face puffy, eyes swollen, bodily liquids of all sorts running out of my eyes, nose, mouth, pores. Relative to the days when my heart was in so much pain, my brain a fog and body debilitatingly tense from my overwhelming emotions. Relative to the days when I was begging everyone around me to let me die.

I don’t have those days anymore. Although, some days I get the prickling sensation underneath the skin of my left arm that’s urging me to rip it apart. Some days, my mind finds itself thinking that life is way too hard and that jumping in front of a train would be so much easier. Some days, I feel like an empty shell of a girl with a heart that’s constantly drowning.

But I am alive. There are days when I feel like everything will be OK. However, the inner dialogue that goes on between my two extremes of ‘feeling OK’ vs ‘omg the world sucks, I hate my life, kill me now’ is very tiresome. It takes a lot of energy out of me. It’s another part of me that I thoroughly dislike but can’t help but have (hooray for Borderline Personality Disorder).

A lot of people say I’m brave. A lot of people say that I’m strong. I don’t feel it. Most of the time I feel weak and pathetic. I know that I am too overly-emotional for my own good and I’m severely lacking when it comes to being logical. I often do not see the strengths that other people see in me.

But you know what? I have to give myself some credit where credit is due. Because it’s true – I’m still alive. I spent a solid month in bed crying, unshowered, not eating and being self-destructive. I almost took my life. I swallowed more sleeping pills than I should have, had police show up at my door, visited the hospital, looked up ways to tie a noose and how hard it is to die from carbon monoxide poisoning. I took a huge hit to my self-esteem, my identity, my ego. I felt like I was nobody. I felt invisible, unwanted, unloved.

In the midst of all that? I managed to go to a job interview. I somehow landed the job (which still baffles me to this day).

The most important lesson that I have learned from this (aside from not giving your heart away to someone so easily – but that’s a lesson for another day), is that I am capable of feeling the most intense, life-debilitating emotions and still make it out the other side of hell. Frankly, I could be dead right now. I could’ve been dead for a long time but here I am, writing this.

With the knowledge that I am capable of surviving what I consider was the worst time of my life, I am assured that I am capable of creating the life that I truly deserve. That’s not to say that the road there is an easy (nor a happy) one. It’s to say that I am determined to become the best version of me that I can possibly be.

I’ll probably stumble a few times and get a few more scars along the way… but every scar that I wear – both on my arms and in my heart, are just proof that I am capable.

 

And so it is time to turn the page and write this new chapter.

Leonie xo.

  • Mounts

    Hey Leonie. I’ve been following your life adventures for the past two months (ironically enough, I stumbled upon your channel the day you posted the break up video) and appreciate witnessing your discoveries and experiences.

    It’s comforting to have an open window on the life of another person through this unconventional way that is Youtube, I feel like I know you more than some of the people I see everyday. Unfortunately (or fortunately haha) we can’t really reciprocate this presence that you have in our lives.
    We can watch you reassure us for hours if we want to thanks to your videos, but we can’t really reassure you except with the comments we leave. You have to know that you’re already spreading goodness and positivity around you, but please, prior to anything, take care of yourself. Also, before I keep on writing some thoughts, excuse me if I’m being creepy making references to your videos or posts while you know nothing about me, I don’t want to be intrusive but I’d rather make relevant points using things you told about yourself through the course of time.

    It’s alright to feel like utter shit for days and days, at some point you can’t keep on drowning, can you? Every day that ends with you being alive is a day where you’ve accumulated strength, maybe unbeknownst to you. You say you feel weak and invisible, but I’m pretty sure you already feel stronger now than a few months back. Week after week, you’ll feel this strength travel throughout your body, and at some point, you’ll be glad to be alive and to feel how strong you are. I’ve felt weak and invisible for a long time, and sometimes I still feel like this, but after my first breakup, I said to myself that I never wanted to feel this shitty ever again.

    I decided to do stuff I never dared to do before : show up at a concert alone (I saw on twitter that you were about to do the same thing haha), talk to people I didn’t know in public places, join a club… all of this while I continued to do what made me happy before (I’m sure there are things like these for you, you made a video about them). I’ve learnt to relish my solitude and appreciate the moments I share with others, I don’t think it’s a problem to prefer watching a movie or playing a game than hanging out or party. I learnt that it’s impossible to completely forget a person you truly loved in the past – whatever people will tell you – and that you’ll carry this memory with you for the rest of your life, but I also learnt that it’s possible to feel emotionally linked to that person while moving on. There’s no preconception of what to do, follow your own path at your own rhythm, whatever society or whoever claims.

    I identify a lot to your thoughts and struggles, your reflections and fears about life. I think we are a lot more than what one could expect. Our modern western society is extremely harsh towards sensitive, introvert and creative people, we spend our time wondering if we’re normal. It’s no wonder why most artists go through intense moments of sadness and pain even if they meet public and critical success at the same time. To me, it seems like this melancholy has been following you for at least a decade (given the information you revealed by reading your high school diaries) because you’re an highly sensitive person in a world which overlooks this characteristic of yours.

    When you imply that giving your heart easily to someone is a weakness, I can’t help but think that inside of you, you know you won’t be able to prevent that from happening again and for good reason : it’s just how you deal with relationships. Being able to connect with someone easily is an incredible asset, believe me, even if it makes you prone to heartbreaks more easily as well. The undecipherable sadness you felt in June existed because you felt an undecipherable happiness before. Closing your heart to new people won’t make you happier, it will make your life as dull as those of the people who deny their sensitivity. There’s this wonderful quote from Amélie that expresses particularly well this idea : “Voilà ma petite Amélie. Vous n’avez pas des os en
    verre. Vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie. Si vous laissez passer cette
    chance alors, avec le temps, c’est votre cœur qui va devenir aussi sec
    et cassant que mon squelette. Alors allez-y, nom d’un chien.”

    Life is complicated, never black nor white, never grey either. It’s what makes it exciting, although sometimes it looks completely dumb and bereft of any meaning or purpose. I’m glad you are alive, and I can’t wait the day when you’ll be glad you are alive as well.

    Take care Leonie, see you around !

  • M1DK1LLCRYSIS

    Leonie xo <3

    Glad that you're not dead cause you're pretty awesome (Y)

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