This is a story about a girl named Leonie and how she couldn’t write

Hello Internet.

Remember 3 months ago how I wrote a blog post detailing my goals for the rest of the year? And remember how one of them– actually, the very first one– was to write a story? Yeah. About that.

Things usually never go according to plan. Or, to put it more truthfully, I’m really terrible at sticking to plans. Look, Internet. I know. I suck. Here I am, blessed with the opportunity and time to finally write a novel and instead, I’m writing this blog post.

It’s not like I haven’t tried. Last month I really sat down and started nutting out the details of the story I wanted to write. I even created a Tumblr mood board to capture the tone that I wanted to portray in my story. But therein lies the problem – I pretty much do everything to prepare myself for this profound story in my mind… except to actually sit down and write it.

I think the thing that’s really stopping me from writing is that I’m just way too critical of myself. Every word I write seems stupid and pointless. At times I’m just lacking that ‘creative flair’ that my high school English teacher used to say I had. My words aren’t stringing together to form any sort of coherent sentence. I sit at my laptop staring at the blank word document, waiting for that boost of creativity to hit. It never does.

The other thing that’s stopping me is this fear that I’m simply not good enough. All these little voices in my head saying that I can’t write. Or, that I can write, but not anything good. I mean, you know how it is. People always judge. Whether it’s a book or a movie, a TV show or a work of art. What if I end up writing something that is a literary abomination? I wouldn’t want to inflict a bad novel on my worst enemy (but let’s be honest, they’re probably deserving of worse than a poorly written novel). (No, let’s be even more honest, I don’t meet enough people in real life to actually have a worst enemy). (Well, unless you count the ones in high school, but I feel like I should let that go now. It’s been six years, gosh darn it).

So yeah. I’m not writing the story that I wanted to write because I feel like I’m not a good enough writer to write it (and how many times in a sentence can you write the word write?). It’s sad, because deep down I know that the story that I want to write deserves a good writer.

Anyway. All hope is not lost. I know I will eventually write this story of mine that I wish to write.

I picked up a book the other day called “Use Your Words” by Catherine Deveny. I got to about the third chapter when I decided I was going to stop reading it (for now). I’m going to continue reading it on the plane to Sweden in December. Mainly because I feel the need to take a step back from this whole “wanting to write my story but not actually writing it” attitude. I’m going to let it simmer in the back of my mind until I come back from Sweden in 2017. But let me say, the three chapters that I read of the book blew my mind. The main thing I’ve taken from it so far is that I need to just write. Who cares if it sucks? As long as I write.

Because let’s be honest here. I don’t write for other people. I write for myself. Writing is therapeutic (at times). Writing allows me to analyse the world in which I live. It clears my mind. This quote from the book stuck with me:

“Write because it makes you a better, smarter person. Write to make sense of yourself. Write to teach yourself what you have to learn. Write to explain to yourself what you think. Write to make something beautiful. Write because it’s time well spent. Write to get those voices out of your head.

We do not write because we are happy; we are happy because we write.”

Boom. Mind blown. Revelations all over the place.

Anyway, so that’s the update on my failed goals. I guess I have been pretty consistent with my blog and my YouTube channel though, so I’m not a colossal failure (yet).

My plan now? Well, for the next 3 weeks, I’m going to focus on creating videos and publishing blog posts. I’ll also have to work in advance for the contract job I have on the side. Actually, I also have some freelance projects coming my way so it’ll be pretty busy from now until I fly to Sweden.

BUT. ONCE I AM IN SWEDEN, I will be daily vlogging. At first I was a little bit sceptical about daily vlogging my time in Sweden because that will actually require me to be productive every single day (a feat that is unbeknownst to me). But I pondered my ponderings to Twitter and got some positive feedback, so that made me more pumped to take on the challenge of daily vlogging.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even start writing my novel while I’m in Sweden.

All I know is… the future looks promising (except when it comes to climate change).

Yeah, that’s all from me (for now). (Wow, this post has a lot of parentheses). (I annoy myself sometimes). (This is why I can’t write).

If anyone has read ‘til this point, wow. Hello.

Hope you have a lovely day wherever you are.

Hugs,
Leonie xo.