Sometimes I Wish I Didn't Exist

Sometimes I Wish I Didn’t Exist

Well, this past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

I often try to keep my social media accounts lively and try to portray the happy moments in my life. But I also want to be honest and transparent. Life isn’t always 100% and I feel as though my life is often lingering around the 30% mark. That’s subjectively, of course. If I look at my life objectively, life isn’t so bad… but it’s so hard to take yourself out of your own mind.

I haven’t done much ‘creatively’ so far this year. Having been in Sweden until mid-January and then renovating my room until now, I feel as though my energy hasn’t been spent on making videos or writing blog posts (well, obviously not since I’ve only published one blog post this year and it was a giveaway post… by the way, thanks to everyone who entered that giveaway. I’m sorry I couldn’t make everyone a winner but I’m keen to do more giveaways now throughout this year).

But now that I’ve finally settled down and am relatively happy with my renovation efforts, I’m struggling to understand what it is that I’m doing with my life. I know what I want to do, but I’m afraid of doing it. Of failing, mostly. Of having put all this effort into creating content and pouring my heart out only to have nothing remotely successful come out of it. But success is relative. I want to pursue being a “solopreneur”, to be able to create content under my own terms. It’s not a money maker. Will it be? I’m not entirely sure – maybe, if I keep my eyes out for opportunities. But I feel like my eyes are too busy crying to look out for opportunities.

So, I also thought about getting a full-time job. The only thing is, I get this inkling that I won’t feel fulfilled with a full-time job. With jobs, you’re essentially giving up your creative soul to adhere to someone else’s guidelines.

“Do this, this way.”

You pour your heart into a project but it doesn’t line up to their perceived idea of what is right. I suck at taking creative criticism because let’s be honest, creativity is subjective. As much as I might like my work, an executive will probably tear it to bits. And I feel like because of that, I’ve begun to doubt myself and my creative abilities. You know what happens when you doubt yourself? Your execution becomes floppy and your work actually begins to suck. It’s a never ending perpetual cycle of self-loathe.

Sometimes I Wish I Didn't Exist

I remember when I was 18, trying to decide which university course I wanted to apply for. I was so set on wanting to pursue journalism and to work in media. I wanted to be a news anchor (surprising right, considering how socially inept I am?) or an entertainment journalist or an editor for a fashion magazine. I just wanted to work in the media industry surrounded by all the bright lights, headsets and clipboards. But I put myself down a lot. I figured people who worked in the media industry were the popular girls in high school and I definitely was not one of those. I didn’t wear makeup, I got teased for writing erotic fiction and thinking I was “good” at writing, I was called an attention-seeker and pretty much my self-esteem plummeted.

Instead, I went for a university course that let me write a little bit but for the most part, was hidden behind a screen. I guess that’s what makes digital and social media so wonderful. I could find a place to fit in and I didn’t have to look or behave a certain way. Still, I always wonder what it would’ve been like and for that reason, I’ve started applying for digital roles in the media industry. It’s something, right? I might not get in, but the prospect of applying my skills for a TV network in some way excites me.

What I’m trying to say is, I’m trying to wipe away my tears so that my eyes can finally concentrate on looking out for opportunities.

Also, since I’m being honest and vulnerable here… I think a part of me has always been jealous of Mattias. His ability to be his own person and find happiness within himself has always been something I’ve envied. I’ve noticed that I’ve become extremely dependent on him to feel a sense of happiness and it’s hard, because he has his own life. He gets to do all these wonderful things and feel fulfilled by them. Back in his Xbox days, his videos would be the catalyst for his trips to LA or London to work with Xbox. Now, he found a job and a boss that loves him so much that he got sponsored to stay in Australia. The downside (for me, at least) is that his job demands so much of his time and that he has travel around Australia so I don’t get to see him as much as I would like to. He’s going to America in a few weeks. It’s like my only source of happiness is being sucked out of me at the prospect of him leaving.

Well, there’s my problem. I feel like there’s nothing that gives me that sense of happiness within myself. Nothing makes me happy. Sure, maybe temporarily like watching Melodifestivalen on the weekend. I’m sure I’ll be ecstatic when Eurovision graces my screen again. But the in-betweens? The befores and afters? What then? Everything just feels empty and I don’t understand why.

I have a perpetual feeling of loneliness. Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist. Not that I want to die. Just… not be here. Does that make sense?

I wish I could just travel forever but I feel like that’s just me trying to escape my reality. I guess I just haven’t found my purpose yet. Why am I here on this earth?

Anyway, I’m getting way too existential now. I just need to focus on one thing at time. Find those little pockets of air that allows me to survive another depressive phase. That’s how we do it. We just keep going in the hopes that there’s a lifeline around the corner.

Stop crying and start looking for opportunities, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

Yep, okay. That’s all.


Leonie xo.