Lately there’s been something troubling me and it’s becoming more and more prominent the longer I avoid talking about it or expressing it in some way or another. I think it’s pretty evident that I’m not a very social person; but perhaps it’s not just that. I can be social, but the more that I think about it, the more I realize that I’m a selective socialiser.
It’s kind of difficult being a twenty-one year old amongst other twenty-something year olds who are social and outgoing and who value their “fun” time as clubbing and drinking and being out until the wee hours of the morning. I tried all that for the first time during the beginning of my time here in Switzerland, but it just made me more certain of myself and my values. I hate it all and it’s just not my thing and I don’t think it will ever be my thing. So why do I feel so guilty about it all? Right now, I could be out with all the other cool kids instead of staying in my room doing my assignment and playing Minesweeper every so often whilst listening to the songs from the Eurovision Song Contest. Does that make me lame? Does that make me less of a person to be friends with? Does my value as a “fun” person decrease because of my lack of interest in the night life/drinking scene?
I’ve never been good at the social kind of things. I’ve never been the girl that initiates a friendship- in fact, probably 99.5% of all the “friends” that I do have, I’ve met through mutual friends because I’ve been lucky enough to be that girl that tags along like a puppy dog behind another person. I’m so awkward and socially uncomfortable that I literally just walk away from social situations rather than stick around and make friendly small talk.
Now, in saying all this… it just makes me laugh with sadness how there are people out there on the internet who, despite not knowing me in real life, take the time out of their day to read my blog or watch a video I’ve made and, further to that, make an effort to comment and compliment me. I feel very much conflicted as to who I am as a person and it makes me incredibly frustrated. Why can’t I translate my “online” personality to real life? Maybe because in some way, I feel like a bit of a fraud. That’s the beauty of the internet- you can make yourself seem as interesting as you want and anyone and everyone can love you. But there’s just no hiding in real life.
Lately I’ve just been telling myself that it’s OK that I’m a social failure because I know who my friends are and I know who I’m comfortable being around, and if there’s anyone who doesn’t enjoy my company, well then so be it. It’s their loss, right?
I guess what I’m really trying to say is: why feel guilty about not fitting in to what is perceived to be the social normality? We make our own normality. We make our own reality. Sure, sometimes it’s nice to break out of the box a little and experiment in order to challenge ourselves… and along the way you might even find that some things are, and never will be for you.
So, in ending this little mind dump; I know that I have a few avid readers out there who may or may not be a little bit like me- you know, socially awkward and introverted and would rather stay indoors on a Friday night Skyping with your Long-Distance-Partner, reading a good book or catching up on your favourite TV series (my personal current faves: Game of Thrones, Once Upon A Time, Revenge, The Voice US and Glee). I just wanted you to know that that’s totally OK.
I just wanted to remind myself and anyone else out there, that that’s totally OK. Because I’m happy with my life and I don’t need to live it according to other people. Like I said, there’s just no hiding in real life. You just have to be the best you, according to you.
Wow, I’m so lame xD
Until next time!