Hello Internet Fam.
The past few weeks have been really weird for me. Weird in the sense that I feel like I’ve slipped into this gaping pit of purposelessness. You know, four months ago when I quit my job due to anxiety, I thought that I was going to feel better about myself. But I don’t.
I still have this perpetual feeling of anxiety. Ever since I got back from my trip to the Whitsunday Islands, the anxiety seems to have heightened. I think it all boils down to the idea of ‘purpose’ and the meaning of life. Sometimes I feel like everything I do is purposeless. I make videos, I take photos and I write. I like to create things with the hope to entertain or inspire people… but I find that the one person I seem to have a tough time inspiring is… well, myself.
This purposelessness and lack of motivation that I feel has made me incredibly irritable. I find myself snapping at my family very easily. I’ve become cynical in the most terrible way. I’m critical to the point where I can’t see reason. I’m tired and exhausted. I can’t stand my home. I can’t handle the clutter that’s around. I hate myself and the space that I occupy.
It’s frustrating, you know? Late one night I was researching about the purpose of life. I was trying to figure out how to be happy. I feel like happiness is such a slippery thing that comes in small little bouts but disappears as suddenly as it comes. Like watching Benedict Cumberbatch mad lib. Six minutes and thirty seconds of happiness that suddenly dissipates when it’s over. Or that moment when Shawn Mendes steps out on stage and there’s that instant euphoric feeling… which evaporates when I step back into reality.
My life feels empty.
Is it me just being ungrateful? Is it a constant feed of propaganda that I’ve fed myself over the course of my life? Have I engrained such unpleasantness into the intricacies of my brain that in order to remove it, I’d need brain surgery? I get it. It’s a mindset and a mindset can always be changed.
Anyway, the purpose that I have in writing this post isn’t to complain about life. It’s really to mark the start of a new way of living. To make some changes in my lifestyle in order to finally achieve some sort of qualitative happiness (because let’s be honest… a six-minute video of Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t quality happiness… it’s just escapism).
I wrote down this question in my diary the other day:
What Do I Want in Life?
To be able to write without the fear of being bad
To live a minimalistic lifestyle
To have a clean home
To have good habits
To be healthy and happy
To do something that makes a change in the world
Super generic and broad. But I think it’s the start of figuring out the steps I can take to stop being such a self-consumed brat.
That being said – I’ve started throwing out a lot of stuff lately. I’ve been really inspired by a few YouTube channels (like the very adorable Jenny Mustard and Break the Twitch) that focus on the minimalist mentality. As someone who has always been very passionate about the environment (but admittedly, always succumbing to my consumer habits thanks to a thing called ‘retail therapy’), minimalism has always been intriguing to me. I’m not a minimalist – not at all. But I think in the long run, minimalism will break me out of the guilt and irritability that I feel being surrounded by so much useless stuff.
I mean, it’s also hard because I live at home with my parents (which makes it hard to throw out stuff when most of the stuff is their stuff). So I’ve also been thinking a lot about moving out. I mean, it’s hard with Sydney’s property prices… but I think it will give me that much needed motivation to actually do something with my life. It’ll mean that I’ll have a mortgage to pay off and perhaps that will also curb my spending habits. It will most definitely mean that I need to get a full-time job that actually pays. But I’m kind of excited to start applying for jobs that might actually make me feel like I’m making a change in the world. Like maybe an environmental organisation? Or a humanitarian organisation? Or anything that makes me feel like I’m a part of a life-changing cause?
I’ve also started going to the gym occasionally. You know, endorphins and stuff.
So yeah. It’s November right now and in a bit over a month, I’ll be going to Sweden for Christmas. Then it’ll be the New Year. From now until then, I’m going to focus on minimising the ‘stuff’ that I’ve accumulated over the years of being a greedy consumer. I’m also going to keep up with my YouTube channel and blog. However, once the New Year starts, I’m going to start applying for all the jobs that I feel will give me purpose (if anyone knows of an organisation that’s hiring, hit me up). Then, I’ll be able to save up money and get a loan for a mortgage. And then maybe find a nice little apartment in Sydney.
It’s weird, but just writing down what it is that you want in life can make you feel more at ease. It almost gives me a sense of… purpose.
Maybe that’s what life is? A series of things you want to achieve? I don’t know.
But it’s a start, right?
More of my thoughts
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One day, I looked outside my window to find a large spider web obstructing my view (and what a great view it is- to see the charcoal grey rooftops of endless paper houses). So large was this web in fact, that it spanned from one edge of the window to the other- approximately a meter and a half wide… Read More…
Today has been a weird day. Actually, most days are pretty weird but today feels a little bit different. I’ve been thinking a lot about many things – mostly things that have to do with purpose. Yeah, just deep stuff like that. I’ve also been feeling a little bit stressed the past few days. Read More…