Hello people of the internet.
Today has been a weird day. Actually, most days are pretty weird but today feels a little bit different. I’ve been thinking a lot about many things – mostly things that have to do with purpose. Yeah, just deep stuff like that.
I’ve also been feeling a little bit stressed the past few days. I’m finding it hard to balance all the work that I’ve given myself and am being given by others. There’s this anxiety that’s kind of just comfortably nestled itself in the depths of my chest. I start feeling my eyes water if I linger too long on the anxiety… which I often do.
I think it’s pretty evident that I’ve been focusing on creating lots of content for my YouTube channel and my blog. I’ve been posting more often on my social media pages too. I’ve really set up a schedule for myself to get things created and published… and sometimes I feel really impatient. I know it’s only been a little over a month since I’ve quit my job and dedicated the majority of my time to my ‘personal brand’, but… sometimes I get a little disheartened when I don’t see immediate results. Instant gratification is poisonous… but nevertheless, I still commit to getting content created. It’s what I love to do and I actually enjoy doing it.
The difficult thing has been balancing my own content with my contract/freelance work. I’m finding it exhausting and nerve-wracking trying to prioritise what’s more important. I feel like I’m putting my own stuff ahead of everything else and in doing so, I’m falling behind on other things – the things that actually puts money in my bank account. Sigh.
I know this is the decision that I’ve made. I quit my job for a reason and I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy road to accomplish my dreams. But there are days when I start to doubt myself a little. I think these little seeds of doubt have been planted by small remarks from those around me… comments like, “oh, you must be so free now that you’ve quit your job.” Or worse, when someone asks me what I did during the day and all I can say is, “well, I filmed a video and wrote some stuff…” whereas other people are out there tackling the world and being lawyers and managers and health professionals and amazing people.
And don’t even get me started on certain family members who have outright said to me,
“you have to find yourself another full-time job.”
This is my full-time job. I work on creating content from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. In between, I hustle to get work done for other people. To think that I quit my corporate job in order to work on something that I’m actually passionate about, yet other people think is just nothing… it’s started to play on my doubts and insecurities. But at the same time I so badly want to prove everyone wrong – I want to prove myself wrong.
I get it. It’s not secure. It’s not paying my lifestyle. In fact, I barely get paid from doing what I love right now. But I feel like there’ll be a break soon enough if I keep persevering. I just want to know that it’s possible to earn a living doing something you truly love. I don’t just want to follow where the money is. I did that before and I was miserable.
Anyway, sorry for the weird ramble. It’s been a weird day and I felt like I just had to get everything off my chest before my entire soul turns into a black void.
Back to work.
Leonie xo.
