It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. It makes me sad. Actually, a lot of things have been making me sad lately. The worst of it is that I shouldn’t be sad because extrinsically, everything in my life would seem super fine and dandy. Mattias is now living in Australia for the year with me, I somehow landed myself a great job with a big corporate company, I have a selection of a few close friends with whom I can always confide in… Yet, intrinsically… I’m falling apart. I feel like an imposter.
I have a lot of inner conflicts within myself. I think a lot of it has to do with the idea of what it is I want to do in life. I feel guilty because I should be super happy right now because it’s like someone just laid out a red carpet in front of me. I mean, I keep hearing from everyone else how graduates are always struggling to find a job after university and I’ve pretty much just been given one without having to do much. This time last year I was freaking out after coming back from Switzerland thinking that I would never get a job because I’m just not good enough. I attempted plenty of interviews and left in a sweat and on the verge of stepping in front of a car because I was seriously that ashamed of my social awkwardness and inability to be ‘career-driven’.
And now here I am. I feel like a total imposter. Every single day I feel as though a part of me is dying inside. Like a little piece of who I am is just chipping away as each day passes.
Anyway, the point that I really want to make is that… despite the fact that someone else’s life may seem like it’s perfect, you never really know how they’re feeling on the inside. My anxiety has taken control of my every being and it’s making it so difficult to just live life and be happy. I’m constantly resisting the urge to throw up, I wake up feeling dread inside, I go home almost on the verge of tears and I go to bed with a rapidly palpitating heart.
I keep trying to tell myself that I’m in this position for a reason. I keep trying to tell myself that instead of pushing myself down in the dirt, I should embrace what life has given me– what God has given me– and make the most out of this opportunity. It’s an opportunity that the majority of people would never get as easy as I have gotten it.
I need to stop making excuses for myself and somehow just find the confidence within me. I think a lot of people (and I would assume many of my readers) feel similar to how I’m feeling. That feeling of not being good enough. That feeling of not deserving the good things that have come into your life. That feeling of being an imposter and a fraud.
Well, Internet. That’s just how I’ve been feeling lately.
I think I need some hugs.